How to you block pain? I have this theory after running Tokyo Marathon in 2010. My leg were sore. It hurt to walk down stair and being in the city, there are stairs everywhere. I told VitaPanda Kevin that I have a theory about pain. To ease pain, you induce more pain. So I ran down the stair, it hurt... but after a few seconds it stopped hurting until I stop running down the stair like a mad man... then it will hurt again.
The passing of Mari feel similar. For the last few months I struggled because I was hurt. I was injured if you want to call it that. Then I got a phone call from Elsa, the worst news in 2012 came. Suddenly, those things that was hurting me don't hurt anymore. Everything matter a little less. As I have been living day by day since, I wonder why people are in such a hurry. I made a point to slow things down.
Endurance training taught me to learn from the bad. It's the channel I use to figure things out and to strengthen my believe and character. That everything is here for a reason. If we don't learn from our bad experience, we are just going into a deeper hole.
Having spend time with cancer survivors, I learned to not ask why. I learned that if bad things happen to you, you just focus your energy to improve your situation. Asking why won't do anything positive.
With Mari gone, I started to hate the way I think. I hate why I just accepted that she is gone and why I needed to be strong. I hate my brain to try to make sense out of this whole thing or to learn something out of it.
I wouldn't really call it "things happen for a reason", but I do believe that the way we learn or make decision about something define who we are. I don't believe we are built a certain way. If a 'bad' thing happen to you, you can either learn something from it, change the way you believe, or question why me... and dig yourself into a deeper hole.
I hardly regret my decision and I wouldn't change anything that happened to me. But not this, I don't want this to happen. I don't want to learn something from this. This is not one of the life experience that I need to go through. I don't want this to be a lesson. I lost a dear friend. The lost is too great, there is no lesson. I didn't want to connect the dots together. I didn't want to write about it. I wanted to respect her by not sharing my thoughts.
Not until after reading a message from Coach Brad where I started thinking about writing my thoughts, and Mari.
Sitting at the memorial service, I made myself feel numb. I tried not to say things so I don't ball up. When the priest asked the people who was training with Mari for her Ironman to stand up, I watched as my friends stood up. For the one that kept it well during the service, they broke down sobbing. I wasn't part of the Ironteam this season so I remained seated. I never felt closer to the Ironteam, yet I never felt so remote.
I spent a lot of time with the Team In Training family this last weekend... mostly eating. I think we just want to support each other by just being there. After all, we wait for our friends/teammates to finish during our training. We wait for our friends/teammates to come in at each races. That's what participants in Team In Training do. Regardless if you are in the Marathon Team, in the Triathlon Team, in the Cycling Team, or in the Ironteam. It doesn't matter if I am in the current season or if you are my friend's teammate, my friend's teammates became mine.
The eulogy is perfectly written. It made me laugh, it made me sad. But more importantly, it made me understand more about Mari. I am truly thankful of that. It is true that God has other plans for Mari, there is no question about it. And I think God's was also testing Mari's character as part of his plan and I am fortunate to see it. I remembered the day when I taught her about clip-in shoe. Initially it was like a 1-2 hours thing but it ended up taking the whole afternoon... we later found out that she couldn't clip in her shoe because the tension was too high. She was very frustrated, yet she kept going. One time I suggested to her to ride with me so I can see if she was utilizing her bike gear, she shown up and bought me food after. I still remember the day I got the phone call from Mari back in Feb. She told me she was burned out from training. She said she was tired, she wasn't motivated, and asked me why everyone is getting faster on the bike but her. I told her to take a small break from training and get back into things, and she did.
On 8/21 I sent Mari an email wishing her good luck at Ironman Canada, I told her that she came a long way. From doing her first triathlon in a mountain looking bike to now completing in an Ironman event. I told her that I am so proud of her and that I am happy to say that we are from SGV. SGV Pride as I called it. I even called out the West Side people saying we may not be as fast as the west side people but we have a bigger heart. To her reply "you know it Louis. It's our big heart that makes us slow =). im getting it done!" Only after re-reading the email today where I can feel the words. I now feel the determination when you typed "im getting it done!". That's something I seldom declare. But Mari did.
I still remember asking Mari if she wanted to do another Ironman after her dad passing because if she does, we need to make it happen. I told her there is no pressure. I just wanted to know her decision so I can see what we can do as a team. She decided to do it, knowing there are going to be 3 more months of training for a total of 19 months of training (from training her first half to Ironman AZ). The sense of "I just want to get it over it" is never greater for Mari. Yet she continue. When she joined Team Winter to fundraise for Arizona I told her to just get the word out so people can just donate money to support her effort. You do not have to worry about fundraising at all. I told her she doesn't need to do her beef fundraiser anymore. "No I want to do the beer fundraiser. I don't want to just ask my friends to donate. I want my friends to get something out of it." This is the Mari I know. She reminded me of another person who care about her friends in her own way and not wanting help from others.
We had disagreement in late Sept, and I am glad that we resolved it together. This little disagreement strengthen our friendship and allow me to admire more about her character and her believe.
When people are not longer with us, their impact are not measure by their success, but by how they influence you and how the world change because of it. I know Apple fan boy will hate me for this one. When Steve Jobs passed away, the world seem to be crashing down to a lot of people but there is no impact on me. There was/is still a media storm but I did not want to be a part of it. I don't want to find out about his past, I don't want to do something different because of it. Mari is another story. While Steve's passing bought a bunch of half eaten apple in front of the apple stores around the world, Mari bought everyone together. Family, Friends, Classmates, Coworkers, and Teammates alike. We want to find out more about her past, we want to see more photos of her and the stories behind it. People want to do something in memory of her. Some even jumped out of their comfort zone. People told me their crazy ideas... I know.
There is no word to describe how I feel about not seeing Mari again. There is always going to be a hole in my heart. But just like Rene, the girl that passed away from Cancer 2 weeks before she turned 30, Mari will always be in my thought. I do not want to move forward, I want to be sad for a little longer. But I have to move forward, I need to do it for her, for the people around me, and for myself. This is how I am going to carry her spirit. I am glad to know her as a friend. I am glad she told she appreciate my friendship and the support she received from me. That is a message from her. Continue to do what I am doing. Continue to treat others like I did to Mari. Continue to cheer wearing the Pikachu costume. Continue to be who I am, but better. Be the best Pikachu that I can be.
Rest In Peace Mari. I know you will win your age group at Ironman Heaven =)
Louis
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| Vineman 70.3 2011 |
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