Running down Mount Markham (12/17 - 17 mi trail run)
My eating has been improvement as well. I have been eating subway at work and making better choices about my food. Not always, but getting way better. Just like marathon training, you need to start slow or you'll risk the chance of getting injury (jumping back to old eating habit).
Salmon Salad after Boney Mountain Preview Run (12/18 - 13 mi trail run)
I was doing good until I watched the a TV program where I got emotional. Then I wanted to order some food and eat it... at 9:30pm! The problem is that I ate dinner already and I wanted to eat something unhealthy. I could of just go to sleep as my friend suggested or I could of go destroy myself by eating all these unhealthy food, feel the 'high', and then be sad later. Not to mention I am also taking a step back with my training. I am building strength and endurance by doing all these crazy run, and now I am putting junk in my body.
I decided to go destroy myself to think about my problem. I could of go to sleep, I could of do something else to mask my trigger and not thinking what bother me (eg. sleep, exercise). But like the song from my last post said...
Cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again
Not facing my problem will only allow my problem to win... continuously. As I said from post #1. This whole eating better is not something I needed to change, it's something I wanted to change. I now believe that we can change our behavior, but in order for us to truly grow, we need to understand and come to term with ourselves. "If you want to be best friend with people, you need to understand why they are angry or sad". I am now doing the same to myself. Well basically I am talking to myself. It's like that little angel and devil in your head. But instead of them biting each others' head off, they now sit together and talk about what's best for me!
So I ordered 3 dishes from Litz Restaurant. I got pork chop with onion (pork chop is deep fried, then cover with onion gravy), Fish with Singapore Sauce (the sauce is creamy with and it's a little spicy), and finally fried chicken wings.
Pork Chop (left), Chicken Wings (middle), Fish (right). Did you notice I put my powerbar mix is on the table as well. Angel vs Devil!
Of course I am not going to eat them all! I got a plate... geez!
Did I eat that plate? Yes. Did I feel 'happy' after eating the food? Not really. Did I learn more about myself. Yes! I set out to destroy myself to find myself and I did.
The first thing I notice is that this eating incident is triggered by emotion. Not by the fact that I have been eating healthy and I want to break. I notice this was triggered because I was bother by something that I have no control of. Well there are many things that we have no control of. But this is something that matter a lot to me. And as I am writing this blog, I also realized that I like to order a lot of food because I want to have control, I wanted to be able to pick what I want to eat. Instead of having one choice (it's weird right... because after all I 'pick' what to order from the menu). I was doing that subconsciously. It is one of my coping mechanism to trick my head into thinking I have choices about something that I have no control of. Man I am becoming good at this!
Not to say that I think I have a problem every time I eat something. We eat because we need to, we eat to enjoy, and we eat to abuse. This pork chop thing was about destroying myself because I needed to cope with my feeling. I needed a distraction and I wanted to feel better. I didn't feel better, but I understand more about myself. It's a good learning experience.
I am sure I sound a little crazy. I am just writing all these to help me understand myself and to help some people with their own issues. A few people told me they can relate to this new blog. One of my friend told me I am making myself very vulnerable by writing all these things and putting them on a blog. I know what she was talking about but I am doing what I believe in. And don't worry about me. I am not going crazy. I talked to people about this and I talked to my doctor, and someone who's is a professional =) Just enjoy the blog and see me grow. If this is benefiting you one way or another, you can always drop me a note =)
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